i started using it and now i am in mental and spiritual hell that i am slowly escaping from (if possible), i turned from my concept of the creator, asked an embodiment of my idea of the opponent of the creator to take my soul in exchange for truth and skill.

now i seem to have a greater idea of the power of what i can fdo onthis earht, and i am grateful that i have seen the errors of my path and that i can try and be good and do right

on the other hand, my mind flows to darkness quickly and the veil is lifted (Ashe???)

i see who i have manifested, and i hate it

last night pondering in bed. i realized that a part of me will not forgive me, and i want to burn in hell. i look at my brother and mother and father, and i become saddened and enraged, i think i am criminally insane, and i tell myself i deserve it. there is a part ofg me that is very very angry at me, he is judging my every action and i am realizing how many of my actions and thoughts are dark.

but, now i have motivation to succeed and improve.

it will be dark if indeed i die and start to burn without end in physical hot lava.

but if this is what must be, then what can i do....

i ahve been crossed out, boxed out, cursed, bun out and realistically eliminated from the human playing field?

or have i come to a point where it is all or nothing

either way... my parents and family. its not cool