Africa Speaks Reasoning Forum

why is it that some women, who are in a serious relationship, feel that abstaining from sex will cause enlightment? Scenario: One year into a relationship a woman decides that she wants to abstain from sex to sort out things in her life. She says that her partner is not the problem after discussing the situation with him. But, she won't tell him what's troubling her.

I get the sense this involves you   ;)

I think the issue here is less about sex (or not), and more about her unwillingness to communicate openly.  Two of my best friends, who are together, have experienced stuff like this.  The male sometimes would say that he needed to not physically be with her for a while as he figured out what was going on with him, or sorted stuff out in his life.  But they were always very open about what it was that he felt needed sorting out, and it worked well for them.

Joshua Liontree

No Out of of Zion this isn't a personal matter, although I was once in a relationship where this type of situation arose. In that particular relationship the signs were already posted so it was easier to ascertain the situation. Actually a female friend of mine who has had a series of bad relationships was confiding in me , and she and I noticed that during and after a failed relationship she always would choose or chose to abstain from sex to no avail. I personally think that abstinence only works if both parties agree, then it becomes a tool not a weapon. I believe she is doing more harm than good by denying herself an experience that she finds pleasurable.  

Why do both parties have to agree to abstain from sex?

If one doesn't want to have sex it's there body. The person who is abstaining from sex is well aware of the pleasure they're giving up.

In a relationship both parties must be considerate of the other to function well as a whole. No healthy relationship will survive if one party wants to have sex and the other doesn't. This opens the door to resentment, excessive bickering and perhaps infidelity. Yes the person who decides to abstain knows the pleasure they are giving up but do they know why they are giving up sex. Is it because society or some strict philosophy  says its the right thing to do, or is it because its the easiest and safest option to take. If trial and error has proven this tactic to be ineffective as in my friends case why try it again.

If a person is not emotionally there and sex is dragging them down then I don't think he or she needs to consult with there partner to not do it anymore. Of course you got to tell him or her but you don't need to get there approval.

You can live without sex for sometime it's not the end of the world.

Not consulting with one's partner when a situation arises that affects them both shows clearly that the line of communication is not open. After approaching the subject each person might learn something new about themselves or their partner. In comparison if the couple both had a joint banking account one person could not make a large withdrawal without first consulting the other. This is a major decision just as if the person who still wants to engage in sex holds the act in high regard. You can not just spring new information on your partner. Sex is very special bond between to people that has spiritual, psychological, and spiritual advantages. It is true that you can live without sex but why, and  how would it help the relationship if both parties do not agree to abstain?, Africanprince and others.

Thanks for the discussion Africanprince. Perhaps honestly you could accept not having sex with your woman, but for how long. As long as it takes sounds admirable but it is totally unrealistic. You said that after finding out she  has decided to be abstinent, that all you need to know is what happened, how can I make it better. Apparently you haven't been paying much attention to her if you did not notice there was something wrong until she decided to deny you sex.  The fact that a person desires someone they love doesn't make them a selfish individual. We are all sexual creatures whether we accept it or not. I never said that abstinence could not be productive ,I said it would not be effective if both parties do not agree. Now if your goal is to end the relationship or cause further confusion then making a major decision without your partner will help you in your quest.