The Relevance of Biological Family?

[Belle]

Traditionally, we're taught that our real family, is our biological family. We're even taught that it is within the institution of family is were primary socialization begins which is critical to perpetuating society's norms and values. However, when a child has grown into an adult, how relevant is it for that individual ( the child who is now the adult) to maintain their family ties with their biological family- especially when they no longer share the same norms and values?

We're already bombarded by western culture that has promoted how " important" family is -especially for  Mother's Day, Christmas Day, Thanks Giving, etc. As such, how much of the aforementioned influences your decision to maintain biological family ties?

Additionally, as time evolves, what traits do we look for that defines non- biological individuals as our family?

[Blue]

Well tradition isn't binding nor is it always feasible in application with a view towards mature self development.  Biology isn't the exclusive genesis for creating a family...ritual also serves a role in the creation of a family, ie - marriage.  Relationships can also be formed between step parents and step children, foster children and foster parents and also step siblings.  While society tends to still promote the nuclear family as the ideal version of a family, I think there has been mainstream acceptance of the idea that the concept of a family is not exclusive to that ideal.  

I rather feel though that the relevance of one's biological family depends on the relationship between an individual and that specific unit.  Not sharing norms and values...well sure that'd affect the quality of relationship one has with one's family and its presumable that it would also affect what input said family would have with regard to the decisions made by the individual in question.  However I'm not sure that a mere difference of opinion would qualify as appropriate grounds to disassociate oneself from one's family unit, that might signal some intolerance on the individual's part with regard to how divergent his/her views have become in comparison to the unit that was a support (at some point in time) towards where he/she is standing.  Unless there is violence or threat of violence against the individual, why alienate oneself?  Surely if one were going to evade interaction with one's family then there ought to be compelling reasons for doing so?

As for the holidays that are packaged and marketed as "family" occasions, well, I try not to let corporate/societal manipulations get the better of me.  I spend time with my "biological" family when I wish to do so...and other times I spend with my family of friends.  The businessmen are sneaky...they exploit the image of the "ideal", any image that they can for that matter, so as to increase their sales and I think that the idea of a "family" holiday is just another strategy for making money, a well flogged horse on the public stage and much of the society seem eager to accept and bolster it to adjudge from the frantic sales that ensue in the wake of such marketing.

And yes, my friends are the family I choose for myself, an ever evolving circle that grows or diminishes exponentially with the choices I make.  I can't say that I work with a specific criteria of what I seek or want, rather, I know what I'm not comfortable with...ignorant, bigoted, spiteful people are usually not folks I would consider as a part of my inner circle.  To each his/her own I guess.  

[Kurious Rose]

Belle,

Interesting questions, especially after two major holidays – Christmas, followed by New Year’s Day which past not too long ago. Given what you stated about real family and the other ideas that you posed, can you elaborate on this? Also, what are your views on “the relevance of biological family?” Perhaps I can ponder on this some more and offer a response at a later time.

Kurious Rose.

[Nakandi]

Thank you Belle for starting this topic. It is so timely for me. This might not be as much of an answer to your questions, but an addition.

Residing far away from my biological family, I have grown without directly being in contact with them. I however have expectations from them, based on the sole fact that we are biologically linked. This would be fine if these expectations were aimed at the best one can be, not the ideal colonised best they aim for. When I started learning about self and started acting differently, they saw it as one of my phases that I would grow out of. We would have discussions, but they would laugh off any point I may have made. At that time, there was no need for me to question the bond. I saw it as simply not sharing the same norms and values.

As I have grown, I have come to reject some of the expectations put on me by them. I have also refused to play some of the roles they want me to play. This sometimes results in conflict. I ask myself then why I should hold on to people who (as I understand myself now) want me to remain my lower self.

As Africans residing in Europe, we tend to send money to our biological families on the continent. It is an unwritten expectation/rule. There are times when our social family here in our vicinity could use a financial hand, but we still choose to fulfil the expectations of the biological ties. My social family members have never entitled themselves to my time or financial resources, but biological family members can and do at times. Not because we are in a relationship that allows for that. Simply because "we are blood". We understand and accept that that is the order of things. But is it the right order?

The western promotions of 'family' days are a matter of class where I am from, so we are not directly affected by the idea they try to spread.

[Belle]

Kurious Rose, I do maintain ties with my biological family. However, in my discovery to Self, they do not understand the journey, but they have accepted that it is a part of me. Perhaps like KiwNak said, they think it is phase that I'm going through and don't take this aspect of me seriously. Perhaps, when they do see the seriousness that I have embraced self development with- an "intervention" may occur.

Blue, I agree with you, that having a difference of norms and values is not a reason to sever ties with one's biological family .

Family that is non- biological, are those who have my best interest at heart. As such, these are the people that I would do almost anything for in a heart beat.

Through analyzing my ties with my biological family, I have realized that I am influenced by Western culture to some extent because to not spend Christmas Day or Mothers Day with my family would be considered blasphemous- the ultimate sin! For example, I did not bring in the New Year with my family, which was breaking with tradition. So, that was a major issue for some family members. I was told that I was being heartless and they questioned what type of person I was becoming- they really worked hard at guilt tripping me.

However, the question is, does biological family take precedence over our "social" family because "we're blood", even though we do not share the same norms and values? The family members that would take precedence over all else, whether they are biological or social, are those who I share common norms and values.

[Kurious Rose]

In modern-day society, the biological family unit does have its place. Children are (supposed to be) provided with the basics of food, clothing and shelter as well as education which is supposed to furnish children with ways to survive in and into adulthood. We know all too well that this is not the case in all biological families. We also know that nuclear families consisting of mother, father and children are promoted as ideal when there are so many other family dynamics which can provide for the needs of children quite proficiently as Blue has indicated.

Social conditioning tends to promote biological family as the most valuable relationship one can have. But, for the most part, many biological families promote poor ideas and values which are hindrances to proper development.  Many family units are breeding grounds for ageism, racism, color prejudice, sexism and other forms of negative prejudice. Most children’s first experience with warped ideas and values come from within the biological family unit. Members are expected to support and protect each other in wrongdoing or illogic on the basis of their biological ties (the ‘blood is thicker than water’ nonsense).

 Upon reaching adulthood, most people feel obligated to maintain ties with their biological families and may feel that they owe them lifelong relations because of the many years that they received material and other benefits. However, within the context of biological family, members’ personal rights and privacy are constantly disrespected.  So in this way, biological family may be a trap or a prison that could disallow or discourage personal growth. The idea that one’s biological family should be placed before all others robs people of developing and recognizing meritocracy. I am not saying that people ought to dismiss their biological families because their views may differ but they should come to realize that by consciously developing they are working at being fair and just to all manner of people and that includes their biological families.

If one chooses to maintain relationships with one’s biological family, then that is up to the individual. In fact, people can consciously develop and still relate well to their biological families especially if one’s biological family respects the decision to walk a different road. If members in the biological family are not infringing on one’s right to their pursuits then there is no reason to distance one’s self from them. Some members of one’s biological family may even be inspired to improve by what they learn from one who has decided to pursue Self Development. However, in many cases biological families are not so accepting. There is a quote from the Christian bible that speaks about the divisions that are caused when people are approaching salvation: “Father will be divided against son and son against father; mother against daughter and daughter against mother; and mother-in-law against daughter-in-law and daughter-in-law against mother-in-law.” This speaks about the conflicts that occur when individuals develop a different set of ideas and values to other members of their biological family.

What one works out to be right should take precedence over what biological family desires. It is inimical to Self to proclaim truth and then continually operate in a state of contradiction by compromising reasoned values and concepts for biological family ties. Therefore, people often have to decide between their biological families and what they know to be better.

One may not have much say in relation to the composition of one’s biological family but one does have a choice in cultivating a different family structure. I tend to consider the people I work with in conscious development as my significant family simply because we choose each other based on reasoned values.

Lastly, biological family members’ concern that one’s path to Self Development is a phase is quite understandable as often people go through phases which they cannot fully commit. Only time can prove that conscious development is a lifestyle rather than a fad.