A mother's curse...

[leslie]

Trinidad Guardian
Wednesday, June 23, 2004.

From mother to Daughter on her nikkah

NIKKAH (marriage) is an important institution in the religion of Islam. Prophet Muhammad (SAW) said that "marriage perfects half of one's religion," so therefore Muslims should pay great emphasus on it.
A mother must carefully prepare her daughter for marriage. She must give her some pointers that will ensure her marriage to be fruitful and joyous in the eyes of Allah.
The following are some tips that were given by a mother to a daughter on the occasion of her daughter's nikkah (marriage).
*Be contended with whatever you get, for this will give you peace.
*Be obedient to your husband and listen to whatever he says, foer this will bring you the mercy of Allah.
*He must not see in you untidiness nor smell but fragrance. Remember that water has the best fragrance in the absence of perfume and sunnah adds the most beauty.
*Be prepared for him at meal times, for the heat of hunger is inflammable.
* Be quiet when he sleeps, for the disturbance of sleep angers.
*Safeguard his assets, for which he will trust you.
*Care for His children and servants, for he will have confidence on you.
*Do not discloce any of his secrets.
*Dare not be joyous when he is worried, for this willbe wrong on your path, and dare not show sadness when he is happy, for this will breed hatred.
*And remember, Oh my dear daughter, that you will only attain all this if you give preference to his likes over yours, and his desires above yours in all things you like and dislike.
*And Oh, my beloved daughter, at all times be mindful of your duties to Allah. Give priority to the orders of Allah over all others, for this will secure jannah (heaven) for you. And remember not to obey anyone if their ordesr be contrary to the commandments of Allah

By: Hamzad Mohammed

[Oshun_Auset]

"And remember, Oh my dear daughter, that you will only attain all this if you give preference to his likes over yours, and his desires above yours in all things you like and dislike"

If her husband loves her, then this might be reciprocal and things might not be too bad for her. If he does not truly love her she has a life of oppression ahead of her. Without knowing this truly is a curse.

[Yann]

"If her husband loves her, then this might be reciprocal and things might not be too bad for her. If he does not truly love her she has a life of oppression ahead of her. Without knowing this truly is a curse." Oshun_Auset


Just as we understand quite well that we live in an Eurocentric, patriarchal dominated society and this affects everything from our political systems, our economic systems to our social codes, I often wonder why people do not realize that our ideas of 'love', 'relationships', 'marriage' etc are also dominated by these patriarchal codes.  The arrangement benefits the male first as the idea of state sanctioned marriage grew primarily out of the need to consolidate and define property ownership. It is no wonder then that many religiously defined codes often operate along this premise of ownership, with the female as the object and the male as the subject, with the male as the primary and the female as the secondary.  She is simply the bearer of his heirs and the helpmate for his estate and property.

The female exists for the pleasure of the male, she must see to his affairs, to his happiness and to his well-being. The premise is that by seeing about the male, her happiness will come as a direct consequence of his; she is not an individual with needs and desires of her own, she is simply an extension, physically, spiritually and morally, of her husband. I am sure we have read in several religious texts the idea that the female can only achieve spiritual enlightenment etc through the benefit of a male. In this way she is no better than one of his physical possessions and an extension of his ego. She is mywife, like 'mycar', 'myhouse', 'myyacht', 'mycow', 'mygoat', 'myland'. He owns her body, her soul, and her desires. She does not have the chance to deal with her self as a woman on her own separate and apart from the person she may choose to spend her time with or build a family with. Once one enters into this kind of relationship without properly reasoning out these issues, and standing firm on a position that is beneficial to you as a woman, chances are, the relationship is destined to become one of slavery and ownership.

The very idea that we have of 'love' is really one of slavery; the idea that we have of an ideal male to love and protect us is an illusion, and the feeling that any unity, completeness or security can come from anywhere other than a union with ones Higher Self is a premise built on shaky ground.

While all mortal relationships suffer from these illusions, the even uglier fact to me as a woman, is that like any relationship of bondage, while both master and slave are never truly free, the lot of the slave is infinitely worse than that of the master. What we see in relationships that are bound by these social, cultural and religious conventions is that most often it is the female in the relationship that is the slave.

This is ultimately tied to our poor ideas of love and happiness and a lack of understanding of the divine purpose for our bodies. I may say more on this later but I would like to maybe see what others feel on this topic.

[Oshun_Auset]

Geetings Yan,
I completely agree.

[Tyehimba]

Yes Yan, i think that there is a great underestimation of the social conditioning that makes people act and think in a manner that is contrary to their higher self. All social institutions, Christianity, Islam, the bible perpetuate and reinforce this false sense of being that is most abusive to females, and the darkest Blacks. Males and even females do not see the reality of male dominance, and because these abusive norms are so pervasive, many have become de-sensitized to it.

Males are conditioned to dominate and possess females, while females are conditioned to expect that a man to possess and control them. This is partly why males are given high status when they associate with plenty females and females are criticized and called names if they associate with a  lot of males. The film industry especially reinforces the poor concepts that people have of their bodies, and their relations and this contributes to the continuance of gender discrimination. Just as it is beneficial for white to examine the nature of their automatic white privilege it is also beneficial to males to examine the nature of their dominance in social interactions. The false values that underlie this have a severe impact on the receivers but it is also a poison to those that perpetuate this abuse.

The reality of the male superiority complex with its correlative female inferiority complex has resulted in the famed male ego/arrogance that makes it very difficult for males to realize themselves despite the best of intentions. The dynamics of a normal bondage relationship between male/female can cast a lot of light on the reasons for the social ills and pollution that the world is presently experiencing.

I was talking to a male who is interested in addressing male discrimination from a femininist perspective, and he was putting forth that we should celebrate all those females achieving high social and occupational positions, as it a great victory for women rights etc. My reply was that females reaching high social positions is not necessarily a sign of female empowerment any more than Blacks reaching high social positions being a sign of Black empowerment, especially as to reach there, females would have to conform to the dominant male ideologies. Furthermore, a female may reach such a position, and still go home and accept male arrogance/abuse from her partner, without seeing something being wrong with it.

It is people's attitudes that have to change and a integral part of this process is recognising that there is a need for change. The worse thing is not so much that people hold such poor views of themselves, and by extension their environment, but more so that the social processes do not provide certain information (as they are operating from a male/European standpoint) so people can chose. By exposing the masses to a wider range of perspectives, people can make better choices. At the moment, they are not even being given much of a choice.

[Tyehimba]

"Unto the Woman he said I will greatly multiply thy sorrow and thy conception, in sorrow shall thou shalt bring forth children, and thy desire shall be to thy husband, and he shall rule over thee." (Genesis 3:16)

Timothy 2:11-14:
"Let the Woman learn in silence with all subjection. But I suffer not a Woman to teach, nor to usurp authority over the man, but to be in silence. For Adam was first formed, then Eve and Adam was not deceived, but the Woman being deceived was in transgression."

"But I would have you know that the head of every man is Christ; and the head of the Woman is the man; and the head of Christ is God... For the man is not of the Woman; but the Woman of the man. Neither was the man created for the Woman; but the Woman for the man." (I Cor 11:3,8,9)