Male Insecurity and the cloak of Patriarchal Masculinity

I had an interesting experience today. Uncomfortable but revealing. I was at work and came by the doorway to throw something out in the bin. So a male coworker of mine who was also in the doorway but was facing the other direction....he didn't see me and we bumped each other butt to butt back to back. So a female teacher who was just nearby cracked some joke hinting at something sexual about the two of us bumping together in that way. (Had it been a female-male collision this might have been easily dispelled with some patriarchal sexual joke or apologies but easily dispelled nevertheless) It automatically made me selfconscious and uncomfortable and I tried to jokingly discharge the discomfort and she as if to further remove the uncomfortable air pointed out that she was just joking in a similar jovial manner. All that was done in a jovial mood so it kept the thing light and therefore nobody had to deal with the little issue there of masculinity, homophobia (I guess with a more appropriate meaning of fear of being associated with homosexuality and I think the idea of submissiveness it is associated with). These are the types of things women do all of the time to shield us males from our insecurities. As someone put it "women keep our skies from falling".

In my growing up I was never able to fully measure up to these ideas of masculinity that were considered ideal among my peers and elsewhere in the media, family etc. All of them did not appeal to me either. The dominating aspect of it was something that I could not do well, at least not overtly. Looking back on my family history I can see some of where it comes from. My paternal grandfather being very authoritarian and dominating which still reflects in his children's relationship to him even today. The house on the face of it revolves around him. My father being one who himself stood up to him and yet adopting some of his ways and my mother in many ways accomodating to some of these male biases creeated a certain environment. Further with the space my elder brother and sister took to fight their own battles I was drawn to my mother and interpreting the world and things with her at the center. I saw her primarily as the victim. At the same time I avoided the types of infractions my elder siblings committed to avoid physical punishment at her hands. Even in the penal order in the house my father was still at the helm in that though my mother was the one who did most of the beating and scolding (So called "disciplining") he appeared to be the looming one who would deal with the gravest "crimes" and whose word and perhaps hand was the heaviest.

I grew to abhor the idea of masculinity I saw in him. His notion that to be a man means that your word and action not be questioned even while the same was not afforded my mother. That the house was indeed the place for my mother(although she worked outside the home) and for him he could roam as far and as late as he pleased without question.

Going through school I met more criteria that I could not very well meet and also grew to abhor. I was not very overtly aggressive and I did not have much sexual experience. My increased immersion in my Christian morality at the time created a good space to bury this. I cannot say whether this was the only reason this appealed to me however it provided some solace and feeling of moral superiority. I sometimes wonder if my abhorrence was not a defence mechanism as opposed to a serious principled objection. It probably was the former in that I did have the same sexual desires and the feelings of aggression and the feelings of male superiority and privilege (some of which are still ingrained) but could not satisfy or express these effectively. I am also beginning to think of a number of things.

1) Aggression or rather overt assertiveness is not necessarily bad and has its place. One needs to have the courage to stand his ground, state his position etc without subterfuge or trickery. I think the courage to frankly express ones views and deal with the outcomes with similar courage is healthy. It makes honesty and therefore development more possible.

2) Is this fear of submissiveness a weak desire to develop and express one's innate power? There are many layers of societal ideas of masculinity which shield us from dealing with our sense of powerlessness and feelings of inadequateness as males particularly African males within societies and a wider world context(media, education systems etc) dominated by the values and seeming interests of White males.

3) I think my experiences coming up have impacted me in two ways. Because I have not been able to effectively act out the ideas of masculinity handed out by the society it has put me in a position to look at them as they are. On the other hand it has led me to give myself the illusion that I had not in fact internalized these very values and play them out in more subtle ways. I have often sought to commune with females as it seemed more agreeable than dealing with males in their overt expression of patriarchal masculinity. It did two things for/to me. One, it upheld my illusion that I was somehow morally superior to these males because mine was not overt. Two, It kept me from facing up courageously with these values that I ostensibly objected to. Interestingly most females never really bought the charade even if I did. This is I think where the delusional phrase " 'Good' guys finish last" comes from. So called "good guys" are often closet misogynists. Most males hold patriarchal values and relationships to the women and the wider world. Women who are socialized within patriarchal standards choose those who may best exemplify these standards based on their particular circumstance, status etc...Nothing strange there. It also shows me how much of our concept of self depends significantly on how we relate to women. Our false concepts depend on some relationship to women to reinforce it and as such a true concept of self then requires a modification of our relationship to women. In some sense this takes us back to the historical origins and circumstances of patriarchy and male dominance...

4) Society offers us males many thick layers of insulation from our own insecurities so most males do not face up to this. I do not think being domineering nor being overly submissive resolves this insecurity but rather a fulness of self which cannot bypass but must address these insecurities. These development would then help us males to be in a position to understnd when each way of relating is appropropriate and not use them to mask our insecurities. Those with a thick skin of masculinity overtly express the patriarchal ideas of masculinity with impunity as they carry the support of the whole edifice of society with them. Those with a thin skin of patriarchal masculinity use manipulation, trickery, deceit, and other soft tactics to mask the same insecurity.

I realize now that I cannot really be delusional about my complicity with patriarchy as it stares me in my face everyday now. It will require the development of significant courage and the mustering of a lot that was quieted in my coming up to face many things within myself and then around me.