return of a sexual past

[Nakandi]

so you allow the first kiss, and the second, and the next. you don't oppose the increase in intensity. you also allow the hand movements, even as they make their way to the other side of your clothes. you lay still. you don't want to go because this chance might not come again, but you definitely don't like where this is going. no, now you know you want to stop but that will make me him angry. so you continue to lay still. he knows damn well you aren't there - he sees your motionless body as well as your emotionless gaze. he continues. when you return from wherever you had hidden, he doesn't want to look at you. you go through this with the _ guys to follow.

then you think this time it might be different. after all, he says he loves you. you allow him entrance into you because you did tell him you loved him when he asked. now you need to prove it. you allow him unsheathed entrance because you said you did, when he asked you if you trusted him. you allow him ejaculate inside you because it was his way of showing you how special you are. when you return from wherever you had hidden, he's not thinking of the consequences you are about to face. you repeat this _ times, before you learn.

you tightly and neatly pack these memories, deny them thought and eventually send them away. one day, unexpectedly, they show up saying, ''i am part of you and i deserve recognition. i am not going anywhere so you might as well reclaim me.'' now you are walking around with pain. what the heck are you going to do with it?! and argh, it seems you were more present than you thought. images new to you keep flashing by. they are of you.

great! now you missed what the teacher said. there it is again, where he does that thing you told him you hated. WHY DID HE DO THAT? WHY DIDN'T YOU STOP HIM? WHY DIDN'T YOU SAY ANYTHING? WHY DID YOU SPEND THE NIGHT NEXT TO THEM AFTER ALL THAT? there is that anger again - towards him, towards yourself, towards your mother for  not preparing you, towards your absent father for not warning you, towards, towards, towards the damn chair you're sitting on, the people smiling (what the heck is there to smile for?). no, no, no, the album of your never seen experiences opens itself faster and faster. each image burning the back of your brain. you close your eyes, but in vain. CAN I GET OUT OF HERE? I DON'T WANT TO BE HERE! ''you have to reclaim me'' she keeps saying, ''i am part of your experience''.

...

[Makini]

I think your description of your experience deals a lot with control. Being controlled by others, being a slave to others, is played out constantly in interactions people have with each other. Females are conditioned to behave in subservient ways. Because they are often givers in relationships especially involving the opposite sex, it is easier for them to be taken advantage of, unless or until tough exteriors develop from experiences or they are able to reason to a better position or mode of operation.

Having said that, I also think that there are two sides of the same person that often compete with each other. The way you express your experiences reminds me of this as well…

You move away from what you understand to be true inside of you, away from your Self and try to emulate the behavior of others in your environment or to satisfy the desires of people. You convince yourself you need this or that (acceptance, attention, love or even punishment and scorn to be better, happy, to feel etc). When I was younger, I was so sure of many things or there were many blinkers going off about people around me, but I unreasoned away from them in varying degrees and had to/am in the process of rediscovering them, of RE-membering them, of claiming them as truths I (my Self) know them to be. Being true to me is not a hard thing to do if I reason it consistently enough because one set of truths can manifest itself in a multitude of ways and test or guide me in various types of interactions.

In reasoning with others I've started to understand that people in society also suffer from a host of insecurities and are unhappy because of them and other life circumstances. Coupled with gender, race, size and age discrimination this can make for very depressed people. One way of dealing with this is numbing yourself and accepting what is around you, but that is only a mask and can lead to more unhappiness, depression and anger (and jealousy of others you may perceive are more stable than you).

[Nakandi]

''Coupled with gender, race, size and age discrimination this can make for very depressed people. One way of dealing with this is numbing yourself and accepting what is around you, but that is only a mask and can lead to more unhappiness, depression and anger (and jealousy of others you may perceive are more stable than you).''  ON POINT

[Belle]

This was really deep

[Kairi]

I'm relating to this as an experience in not just female conditioning to align sexual movements/habits subject to male approval and to service male libido but also in the context of a female being persuaded or pressured to relinquish her autonomy particularly as it gratifies male intent.  History is important, it informs much of we subsequently do things.  My thinking is that suppressing any aspect of one's personal history isn't conducive to personal growth. 

On point was Makini's observation that -
"...people in society also suffer from a host of insecurities and are unhappy because of them and other life circumstances.  Coupled with gender, race, size and age discrimination this can make for very depressed people. One way of dealing with this is numbing yourself and accepting what is around you, but that is only a mask and can lead to more unhappiness, depression and anger."

I'm also relating to this as an issue involving female sexual confidence.  I don't believe that female sexual confidence is an aspect of character development taught in many spheres.  To my mind, it seems largely ignored or taken for granted that sexual intercourse and sexual gratification is somehow synonymous as confidence.  Such confidence doesn't just happen.  It has to be actively cultivated as does any other aspect of character development.  The only other option is to conform, to numb down, dumb down, accept the status quo being foisted on a twitchy demographic.  To challenge that is, to my thinking, a big step in a positive direction.